What's With All The Screaming?
by DAIrinchan
Summary: Fangirls will try anything to get their fictional men. As can be expected, however, things go horribly wrong.


**Disclaimer:** _Bleach_ not mine.

* * *

Class had ended early that day. The students were all goofing off as they waited for the bell to ring. Two girls in particular amused themselves by passing a notebook back and forth and giggling madly. It had started when Julie, the more artistically inclined of the two, doodled a certain Grimmjow Jeagerjaques eating a giant fish. Her friend Hannah, in the next seat over, saw what she had done and stole the book, adding in a butterfly with glasses and – courtesy of her endless supply of gel pens – bright pink hair.

Julie retaliated by drawing Ulquiorra as a bat, catching the butterfly. _Because everyone knows bats eat bugs,_ said the arrogant smile she sent in her friend's direction. Hannah got her revenge with a sketch of Grimmkitty chasing the bat, while her Szayel-butterfly fluttered safely away. Julie gasped. To think that Hannah would dare use her own favorite character against her!

Things devolved from there. It wasn't long before they were drawing alternating panels of a doujinshi, each trying her best to scandalize the other. Rather than shock, however, the competition only incited giggles.

"You know, they'd kill us if they ever saw this," Hannah pointed out, between gasps for breath.

"I'll take my chances," Julie replied, her head bent over a new scene.

"Hey, you know that girl Zoey?" one of their classmates whispered nearby. "She's a witch."

"She's not that bad," the girl's friend replied, sending a surreptitious glance toward the strange girl who sat reading in the corner.

"I don't mean _bitch_," the first girl corrected. "I mean _witch_. Like, spells and stuff."

"No way. You really believe that stuff?"

"Not really. But, you know, she _could_ be."

Hannah looked thoughtfully over to the corner. Zoey was just weird enough to be a witch. That book of hers did look awfully old, and it was _huge_. Maybe it was a spellbook.

"Did you hear that?" she asked Julie in a low voice.

"Hmmmm?" Julie hadn't been paying attention. She passed her notebook over to her friend.

Hannah covered her mouth with both hands. "Oh my god. Wow, Julie. Just wow."

Julie smiled, basking in the praise. "You were saying?"

"Oh. Oh yeah!" Hannah jerked her head towards the corner. "You know that girl Zoey?"

"The witch?"

"Yeah, she's – wait, what?"

"The witch?" Julie repeated.

"Do you think so?"

"That's what i heard. I heard she turned some guy into a newt."

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"Truth."

"Oh. Well, that just proves my point then." Julie gestured for her to continue – or maybe just for the notebook back. "So, if she can do _that,_ don't you think it's possible for her to maybe bring us some Espadas?"

A look of comprehension dawned slowly on Julie's face. She looked around at that girl Zoey. "You think she would?"

"She might."

"Let's go talk to her, then." Julie stood up, but didn't get the chance to talk to her. The bell rang, and Zoey disappeared in the flood of teenagers heading for their next class. Hannah and Julie were left bewildered in an empty room.

"Later then, i guess," Hannah said.

"Uh-huh. Later." Julie took her notebook back, closed it, and slipped it into her backpack for . . . er, later perusal.

* * *

They caught up with her after school. "Hey! Zoey!"

"That is my name." The dark-haired, dark-clothed girl stopped and watched her classmates run up to her.

"How's it going?" Hannah started to say. Julie, however, cut right to the chase. "You're a witch, right?"

"No," Zoey said. She watched them squirm for a bit. "I'm an occultist."

The other two looked at each other. "But you can do magic, right?" Julie ventured.

"And that's a spellbook you were reading in class, right?" Hannah added.

Zoey crinkled her eyebrows disbelievingly. She opened her shoulder bag. "You mean this?" she asked, holding the book out. "It's _War And Peace_."

The other two were stunned. "Well– I just–" Hannah sputtered.

Julie was slightly more eloquent. "What kind of teenager reads Tolstoy?" she demanded. _"For fun?"_

"What kind of teenager knows Tolstoy wrote _War And Peace_?" Zoey countered. She tucked the book back into her bag.

"So can you help us or not?" Hannah asked, returning to the original subject.

Zoey sighed. "What do you want?"

"To bring some fictional characters to life for our own perverted purposes," Julie said promptly.

Zoey raised her eyebrows. (Despite hours of practicing in the mirror, she remained unable to raise one brow at a time.) "Really?" she asked flatly.

Hannah and Julie exchanged a look. "Please?" Julie amended.

Zoey shifted her bag. "It'll cost you."

"Deal!" both girls exclaimed at once.

"And i can't do it now. I have to get some supplies first."

"Okay!" they agreed.

"And i'll need some help from you."

"Done!"

"And i need a place to work without being disturbed. Someplace we won't get funny looks."

That gave Hannah and Julie reason to pause. They shared a long look.

Finally Julie volunteered, "We could go to my place. It's my parents' date night, so we'll be the only ones there."

"Can i draw on the floor? In chalk," she hurried to clarify.

""Umm, sure?"

Zoey nodded. "Works for me. Where do you live?" The trio arranged a few more details, then went their separate ways.

* * *

A few hours later, Julie sat in her room, perusing the drawings from earlier. As usual, Hannah let herself in without knocking. Julie hurriedly tossed her notebook onto the desk.

"You think she's good for it?" Hannah asked, not paying attention. She settled on the floor for some heavy-duty lounging.

"It's worth a shot," Julie told her.

A knock sounded at the door: DA-da-da-DA-da.

"What's wrong with the doorbell?" Julie grumbled, getting up to answer it. Zoey swept into the room looking like a witch. Well, actually, she looked pretty much the same as she had earlier in the day. But it was still very witchy.

"Cash first," she said, holding out a hand.

"Oh, come on," Hannah complained.

"If you don't like it," Zoey told her, "i can always leave."

"No, no!" Hannah and Julie both shouted. They reluctantly handed over all of Julie's babysitting money and Hannah's allowance for the past two weeks.

Zoey dropped her shoulder bag on the chair Julie had been sitting in and began to unload things like yellow tea candles, brightly colored rocks, and bits of plants. "Now, about the characters you want . . ."

Hannah grabbed a book off Julie's shelf and flipped through it. "Here," she said, holding it out. "Them."

Zoey didn't bother looking. She got down on her knees and began to draw on the floor. "You'll have to focus on them. I can't do more than two, so each of you pick one. And don't let your mind wander."

"Grimmy!" cried Julie.

"Hmmm, who to choose . . .?" Hannah sighed.

Julie snapped her fingers in front of Hannah's nose. "Dude. Focus. You heard what the lady said."

"Yeah, yeah, okay."

"And it won't be permanent. It'll maybe last a few hours." Zoey gestured. "You, sit there and there."

The two girls exchanged looks. "I'm sure we can find a way to fill those hours," Hannah said with a slight smile. They took their positions.

"Whatever." Zoey laid out her tools. " Now be quiet until i say you can talk. Just sit there and think about your ESPers."

"Espada," Hannah corrected.

"I said shut up. And keep your eyes closed." With one last firm look at her companions, Zoey began to chant.

Silver smoke swirled in the center of the room between and around the three girls. Julie cracked an eye open. She had thought she smelled shrimp, but she saw no delicious seafood. There was only a dark blue shadow back in the corner by her closet.

She opened her eyes wider, looking at the shape. It looked like a cross between the shellfish-fog they were sitting in and what she imagined a black hole looked like.

Julie approved. She thought it looked very _Bleach_-y.

A pair of large black figures appeared in the shadow. They were hard to distinguish at first, due to the color. But the dark blue started to fade away, and the figures grew large white and grey patches. They looked as if they had just stepped out of a manga panel. As the shadow disappeared completely, the figures' color snapped into place.

One had brown skin and large, staring eyes. A bone mohawk protruded from his scalp. The other appeared to have a fishtank in place of a head. Two skull-like spheres floated inside.

Zoey opened her eyes. "Huh. Well, okay. I'm out. Have fun, you lot."

"WHAT?" Hannah said, looking around. "WAIT. NO. WAIT."

"What's wrong? They were in the book, weren't they?"

"Well, yes, but . . ."

"Why did _they_ show up?" Julie wondered angrily. "Out of all the Espadas? Nobody likes these two. Hell, nobody ever even thinks about Zommari."

"Hey!" Zommari protested.

"I'm so sorry!" Hannah wailed. "It's all my fault! I only thought of him for a second because we were like meditating and he meditates all the time and that's all he ever does like seriously and why did it have to be like this!"

"But that's not even the worst part! How did we get _this_–" Julie indicated Aaroniero with a jerk of her thumb "–instead of mine beloved Grimm?!"

"What do you mean, 'this'?" a hurt Aaroniero asked in his deep voice.

"You! Aaroniero Ar–" She tried to remember. "Arlelarry!" she finished.

Hannah took over. "Aaroniero Arrurururururururu . . ." She got lost. "Shut up!" she declared, pointing a menacing finger at the poor Novena.

"But i didn't–" his high-pitched head started to say. He shut up when Hannah glared at him. "But that's not my name," he whispered.

"Can i go now?" Zoey asked, bored. No one answered her.

"He has tentacles! Tentacles i tell you! Do you have any idea what anime tentacle monsters do?"

"I do know!" Hannah cried in agreement.

"Okay, did you seriously just go there?" Zoey said. Even she knew that much.

"What?" asked Aaroniero's high voice. "What do tentacle monsters do?" continued his deeper-voiced head.

Zommari turned to Aaroniero with a deep frown on his face. "What have you been doing with your tentacles?" he asked sternly. He really was very good at frowning. His face was well made for it.

"Nothing!" Aaroniero insisted. He was a little bit scared. But only a little.

Zommari frowned some more. Aaroniero squirmed.

"He could have at least had the decency to show up looking like Kaien," Julie continued.

To everyone's surprise, Zommari came to Aaroniero's defense there. "He is a Hollow. It is only fitting that he should wear the appearance of a Hollow. To do otherwise would be hypocrisy."

"What do you know?" Hannah shot back. "You're a pumpkin!"

" . . . Come again?" Zommari asked.

"You're just a giant meditating pumpkin with too many eyes!" Julie chimed in.

Relieved that the spotlight was off him, Aaroniero relaxed and began to look around. His eye fell on the notebook lying open on the desk. "What's this?" he wondered, picking it up. He recognized the people in the picture, but . . . what were they doing?

"What gives you the right to judge us?" boomed Zommari. Aaroniero hurriedly tucked the notebook into his robe. He'd ask about it later.

"_I_ give me the right!" Julie boomed right back.

"Don't underestimate us fangirls!" Hannah bellowed in agreement.

"Don't you see how arrogant that is?!" Zommari insisted.

"_We're_ arrogant? _You're_ the one who showed up when we were trying to get the cool Epadas! You're just there to fill out the numbers!"

"And what are you? Merely human. Human children, at that."

"We're not children!" Hannah snapped.

"Wow," Zoey commented to no one in particular. "I should have brought popcorn." She glanced sideways at Aaroniero. "You bring any?"

"What's popcorn?"

She sighed. "Guess that answers that question." They both turned their gaze back to the fight. "Fifty bucks on Mohawk over there? I came into some money today."

"Those girls are pretty scary too," Aaroniero pointed out.

"Excellent point. Fangirls can be very dangerous." They lapsed into silence again.

" . . . and nobody wants your Amore!" Julie wrapped up a tirade their observers had missed most of.

"Insolence!" Zommari finally drew his sword.

"Watch out! He's going to turn into the pumpkin!"

He didn't turn into the pumpkin. Instead, he chose the much more expedient method of slicing off the closer head, Hannah's, in one smooth stroke.

"Guess i win that bet," Zoey said impassively.

Julie took one look at her friend's body and actually tried to run. Maybe if she had thought about Zommari once in a rare while, she might have remembered that he is in fact the fastest of the Espada. She made it about a step and a half before sharing Hannah's fate. Zommari turned an expressionless face to Zoey.

She shrugged. "Hey, i didn't say anything. I'm not involved in this."

Zommari gave a slow nod. "Fair enough." He opened a Garganta. Zoey began to gather her things. There was no one there to complain at her spellwork anymore.

"Are you coming?" Zommari asked, one foot in the portal.

"Yes!" Aaroniero said quickly.

"Yo," Zoey said before they left. "Two-headed high-low voice lava lamp guy."

"You mean me?" Aaroniero asked, surprised. While his fellow Espada had plenty of creative "nicknames" for him, no one had ever addressed him quite like that before.

She flipped him a scrap of paper with something scribbled on it. "Call me sometime." He caught the paper as it fluttered downward – possibly the first cool thing he could remember doing.

"Well?" Zommari stood by the open Garganta, looking at Aaroniero. Just looking. He found he rarely needed to do more than that.

"I'm coming!" Aaroniero hurried to join him. As he passed through the gate, he turned to wave one more time at Zoey. She flickered her fingers back at him, a faint smile on her face. It was hard for his heads to show normal expressions, but he still seemed to be beaming as the Garganta closed behind him.

It was probably for the best that he didn't know Zoey slipped on the stairs on the way out. She broke her neck on the landing, and faster than you could say Arrurururururerry her soul had been gobbled down by a passing Hollow. What can you do? Some things are just never meant to be.

* * *

**A/N: **This is kind of a spiritual successor to my earlier _Bleach_ fic, "And The Fandom Rejoiced." It's all Aceidia's fault – I thought I was done murdering fangirls for the hell of it. As in the previous fic, names were chosen at random and not meant to offend any _Bleach_ fans with the same name.

I really do love Aaroniero, but his surname is impossible to pronounce. Well, at least it's better than Zommari, who gave me _so_ much trouble this fic.


End file.
